The Perfect Funeral

My mom was dreading the funeral, however it ended up being a really good day.

As we were working through planning my dad’s services, I said, “This is worse than planning a wedding.” My brother corrected me, “This is worse than planning a Welch wedding.” He was right; we used fabulous wedding planners, and I joked we should see if we could help them enter the funeral business.

One would think a funeral director would serve in that role, but not so much. In the end, we had a wonderful service for my father. It was a lot of work, navigating logistics, opinions, and personalities, but in the end, all those things helped it to be exactly what my dad would have wanted, and something attendees enjoyed. We received requests from friends to write up what we did so they could reference it as a guide- I’ve put it below

Create a Memorial Website

There’s a bunch of free ones out there- I’m not a big fan of the one I used because it had ads pushing sending us flowers or charitable donations, which is annoying. However, the website was very helpful for sharing his obituary, photos, and the timing of his services.

Do a Zoom Broadcast

On that website, we had a Zoom link to view the services remotely. I was surprised by how many people logged onto that Zoom to watch services, coworkers, friends of mine from college, family, and friends who couldn’t travel, that wanted to participate- I was very grateful to the man who set up the Zoom for our family.

Dedicated Escort

My husband was my mother’s escort for the day. He picked her up and brought her to the services, sat next to her, got her what she wanted or needed, took her to the cemetery and the post-party, and was by her side the entire day. This is a perfect role for a son-in-law, since the siblings were doing other things to help with the day's logistics and had our own friends and family to talk to.

Time Keeper

I was the time keeper. I knew the agenda for the day, the timing of things, and when meetings needed to start or end. I was the one willing to be the loud voice saying, “It’s time to go. ” This is a classic oldest daughter role.

Pre-Party

Our family was at the church building 60 minutes before the services to socialize with those attending. My brother had a trunk full of donuts, and everyone laughed, ate, and socialized BEFORE the services, so my mother wouldn’t be swamped after trying to talk to all those who had driven long distances and to friends she hadn’t seen for years after the program.

Keep it Short

My dad’s service lasted 58 minutes.

My dad always said, “It doesn’t matter what you’re saying, if the clock says the meeting is supposed to be over, no one is paying attention.” My mother’s very strict mandate was that it be under 60 minutes. Our church handbook says services should be 90 minutes or less- I am now a firm believer in getting it done in 60 minutes or less.

Only one verse of the hymns.

I am not a fan of my mom’s choice of opening hymn; I wanted “Onward Christian Soldiers,” but she chose my second-least favorite hymn in the hymnal (Ring Out Wild Bells is the worst, however I’m told that if you play it fast enough it’s a Halloween hymn, but I digress) We needed more time for speakers, and I was trying to figure out how to get out of singing 4 verses of that hymn when genius hit- we only sing one verse.

We got MANY comments on how much people liked just singing one verse of the hymns. Even if the opening hymn had been my choice, I would say just sing one verse. It set the tempo for the whole program.

Limited Family in the Program

My mom didn’t want sappy emotion or tears. My brother started the program, giving thanks to the community and the church, not just for the 6 years of care they had given him, taking out his trash, cleaning his yard, taking him to the doctor's visits, visiting him, and providing meals for our family- but for the 40+ years of service these people had rendered for our entire family. We had the family and pallbearers listed in the inside cover on the left-hand side

No Traditional Eulogy

We wanted to focus on specific stories about my dad’s life, so we printed the eulogy on the back of the program. It gave attendees something to read while they waited for the family to be seated and the program to begin.

Many Speakers- Shorter Talks

Yes, it stayed under an hour, and we had seven speakers.

We invited 4 men from different parts of my dad’s life to share a story about my dad in 5 minutes or less. My brother called each speaker, prepped them on the services, their role, and the vibes we were going for.

My brother gave each speaker a timer with their allotted time on it so it would go off if they went over. Each speaker’s five minutes were full of interesting stories and tidbits. I think our church should deploy this as a strategy for all talks- more people, less talk. :)

The plan of salvation talk was a bit longer- I think he had 10 minutes, in which he addressed our religious beliefs about death.

The closing remarks were given by my father’s best friend.

Eat before the graveside service

After the funeral, but before we headed to the cemetery, the women of our church prepared a light lunch for ONLY those friends and family who had traveled from out of town. We did not want them to feel the burden of feeding all the locals attending. This helped, so we weren’t all thinking about what we were going to eat at the graveside service- otherwise we would have been VERY hungry.

Graveside services started 80 minutes post-funeral

Because my father’s burial was a military burial, we had a very specific time we had to be at the cemetery- no leeway, if you’re late, you miss the opportunity to have any sort of graveside service. This forcing function helped the speakers know they could not go over their allotted time.

15 Minutes or Less Graveside

This was dictated by the Cemetery because it was a military burial, and they are so busy that you only have 15 minutes. It’s the perfect duration. We dedicated the grave, took a few pictures, and that was it.

Open House

My mom didn’t want anyone at her house, which is a problem because so many close friends and family were in town and wouldn’t have anywhere to go after the cemetery services. A generous friend offered to have a Celebration of Life party in her backyard that afternoon, and I don’t understand why this isn’t the standard. To give a grieving wife a house full of people is a bad idea.

Let People Help

People want to help. They feel good while they’re helping. If someone asks, ‘Is there anything I can do?’ Don’t say “Thank you for offering, but we’re good.” Stop, sit for a minute, and think. Is there anything this person can do? We had friends grab last-minute tablecloths for us at a local store for the Memory Tables, set up the memory tables, took the pictures and items of my dad back to the house, then headed to the Cemetery to set up tables and chairs and put them away. Picking up food. I noticed how happy people were when I approached them and asked them for help with a specific item. It’s ok. Let people. help.

Looking back, there’s nothing about that day I’d do differently. One thing I noticed in typing this out- there’s a lot I can do as a friend to help lift the load of others who are grieving- offering to coordinate and film the Zoom of the services, being the timekeeper, hosting an open house, offering to be the one to take things home, or clean up after a service.

If there’s anything I missed or something you’ve seen done that was exceptional, please share. If you have any questions about specifics, please ask them. Hopefully, we can help others turn a day they’ve been dreading into a pleasant and joyful experience.