Stop the Lecture
Filed under "things I wish I did WAY WAY sooner"
“Come with me to my bedroom,” my siblings and I dreaded those words. That meant we were in for a lecture. A nice LONG lecture. The lecture was the punishment. We learned that if we wanted the lecture, regardless of whether we actually thought we were wrong or not, we’d say, “I’m sorry I did XYZ. That was wrong. I won’t do it again.” Those were the magic words to grant you sweet freedom.
My mom raised 5 kids, with no drug or alcohol addictions, no unwanted pregnancies, all married to good spouses with solid families, which contribute to society. I thought the way I was raised was the way to raise good kids. I was wrong.
There’s a parenting specialist on Instagram who has said repeatedly, “Once your kids become teenagers, stop lecturing them. Stop trying to turn every conversation into a lesson, stop giving advice. It alienates them, closes them up, and they aren’t going to listen to you anyhow.” I wish I had listened to her sooner.
Our relationship with our daughter transformed in 3 months once we took this tactic. I told my husband that no matter what happens or what she says, you’re her cheerleader and you respond in a cheerleader way. When she has decisions to make, our response is, “We trust you, you make good choices,” and if asked, and only if asked, we’ll offer our perspective.
One morning, we saw that she had left the garage freezer open overnight- it had half a cow inside of it. Her dad was angry, so I didn’t let him talk to her. I went upstairs and said, “It looks like you left the garage freezer open last night, and a lot of meat has thawed; we’re going to need your help in the garage cleaning it up.”
She immediately got very defensive, emotional, started beating herself up, and calling herself stupid. I gently asked, “Am I mad?” She continued with the negative self-talk. I told her it was a mistake, mistakes happen, and it’s ok. She just needs to help clean up the mess and help her father cook the meat. I told her she had 10 minutes to calm down and come help.
By then, her dad had calmed down, and when she came downstairs, she cleaned up and helped make burgers. Not a single lecture, beratement, or talking to. No lesson learned. Life is the lesson.
When she tells us stories about things she has done, we react as friends, not parents, asking additional questions rather than trying to help her see the lesson in them, because she’s already doing that on her own.
Last week, she was going to a church camp, and for a week, I tried to help her pack and get ready so that on the morning of, there wouldn’t be a scramble. Well, the morning of, there was a scramble, and something different happened- we were late, but her dad and I didn’t say anything about running late, just asked how we could help.
Historically, if we were going to be late, she’d say something like ‘we’re going to be late, I just shouldn’t go,’ but instead this time it was ‘I’m so sorry I made us late.” To which we had the response of ‘hey, your dad is driving the girls and a bunch of stuff up to camp, it’s ok that you’re late, not that big of a deal.” Hiding how shocked we were that she had evolved from her chronic defeatism.
It took me hearing this advice 5 times or more before I listened. I hope I can help others avoid the same mistake.